Do-Over

Stop.

Go back.

Rewind.

 

 

 

Please.

 

 

When I was little, I loved playing with toy rollercoaster sets, toy farms–miniature life setups. I felt if I could just wish hard enough, I’d shrink and transport to this new world of adventure, swooping around turns, playing with sheep and cows, flying down descents in a corvette.

 

Twenty years later I find myself doing something eerily similar. More than once this past week I have felt that if I tried, I could will time to reverse itself. You see, I am desperate for a do-over.

 

Oh no. Please no. Was all I could think as I ran into the back of the car in front of me. Exhaustion from a day of travel instantly replaced with adrenaline.

 

I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine. Crap. Roll into the ditch before that car comes. My last thought as I came careening across the pavement with my bike.

 

In one week I have totaled my car and wrecked my bike and body. I have stitches in my chin and leg, a chipped scapula, a minor separated shoulder, and contusion in my jaw, not to mention road rash that resembles pepperoni pizza.

 

All I could think to say was “I’m so thankful it wasn’t worse.” I’m so thankful the 7-year-old girl in the car in front of me was unharmed. I’m so thankful I have all my teeth, that I wasn’t knocked unconscious, that the car behind me left enough distance that I had time to roll into the ditch instead of getting run over.

 

In general, I think I’m good at finding that silver lining, and I tend to have a positive outlook on life. If I’m wearing a bandaid on my face to cover my stitches, I’m going to make people call me Nelly. I’m also going to be thankful for the people who rally around me when I struggle. For friends who come and wash my hair for me, for friends who change their plans to be “on call” incase I’m unable to drive myself to the hospital. I am so thankful.

 

But really I’m sad. I’m angry and frustrated that these things keep happening to me.

I want a do-over. And I want one because I don’t like how things keep turning out. I don’t know why I get so excited to take one step forward only to get punched in the face and fall back down.

This is good, people tell me. Resilience. You will be stronger for it.

But really, will I? What am I learning here?

I am learning not to get too happy when good things happen, when I feel like my body is healing and finally moving the way it used to, because you’ll just eat s**t on your next bike ride and it’ll f**k everything up.

That’s what I’m learning.

 

I am angry.

I want a do-over.

Idaho

Idaho is full of friendly people and beards. While this seemed to set my trip up to be a great success, all in all, it was a disappointment.

Each day I spent three or more hours in the University of Idaho clinic, running through movement pattern assessments. The athletic trainers were great and I felt like I was in good hands. But it seemed something would get corrected and I would feel ok, only for things to revert back to its old pattern.

I gave these guys a hard case. I walked in on crutches, with a boot, not knowing what was going on in my right foot, and having less of an idea of what was causing the pain in my left leg. I was the definition of a mess. I can honestly say they did all they could to help me. This last week I was diagnosed with a stress fracture in my foot. It’s been a long 5 weeks so far of no running, especially since I had built up my volume to the highest it’s been in years, and I was feeling stronger.

This is, by far, the hardest part of being an athlete. Over the years I feel like I take 2 steps forward, and then 3 steps back, only to have no idea what step I’m actually on anymore. But I’m not upset. Sometimes you have to eliminate possibilities before you can find the right answer.

I’ve been reminded of the many blessings that are consistently being poured over me, even now. I have a job I love. How many people can say that going to work actually makes their day better? I can ride my bike and swim all day long, which are two of my favorite things. I have people who love me and people to love. I have food to eat and a roof over my head.

And you know what I am most thankful for right now? I’m not a professional triathlete. My elite license expired at the end of last year. Due to these injuries, I deliberately didn’t race on a national scene. So why am I thankful for this? It’s allowed me to take a step back and evaluate the bigger why. And it’s stopped this feeling of “I have to be doing this” and “I’m expected to do that.”

I’ve had time to answer my why and I’ve come up with a plan going forward.

My plan starts with getting healthy. I’m able to bike and swim and I will do so to my heart’s content with the understanding that I can keep myself relatively fit. I am well aware this isn’t proper training.

Just because I can’t run, doesn’t mean life can’t be great. Somehow this was hard for me to grasp.

I’ve decided I would rather turn a new leaf mentally fresh and a few steps behind in my fitness than slightly fitter and mentally dragging.

I have no expectations to live up to from sponsors. No points to chase. Of course that’s what I want–to chase that podium as an elite athlete–but I’m going to be here, until I am there.

 

All man kind is divided into three classes: those that are immovable, those that are movable, and those that move.” ~Benjamin Franklin

 

I haven’t stopped moving, I’m just finding my own way.

Thanks to everyone who has supported me on this journey. Your encouragement means the world, and I’m so happy to have you in my corner.

Happy training!

Only Happy in the Sun

I’ve been quiet lately. Let me try to catch you up on what’s been going on.

 

The other day a friend was out running and told his buddy, “She can only ride in ‘pretty’ places!”

He’s right.

I love sunshine. When I was 7, I named my pet duck Sunshine. “You are my Sunshine” is one of the best songs ever (if you don’t believe me, watch this). I’m 99% solar powered (the rest is coffee). It just so happens that the sun shines in the prettiest of places-usually near a beach, with dolphins and mountains and open spaces with long roads I can get lost on for hours. What triathlete doesn’t love that?

But I haven’t always been this way. My first winter training for triathlon, I spent a majority of my time in my friend’s basement on his computrainer and treadmill. For some reason I thought it was a good idea to leave Santa Barbara for winter break and spend 4 weeks back in the arctic tundra of Chicago (note: I never made this mistake again). When Mike was there, he would help me get the computer set up, along with a movie (Kung Fu Panda like 8 times), and leave me to my business. When he wasn’t home, though, I could never find the light switch, and couldn’t figure out how to get the movie or music to play. So I’d sit in the dark for 3 or 4 hours, pedaling away.

And I got faster.

And you know what?

I loved it.

I loved being in that dark hole by myself, sweat pouring down, where no one knew to find me.

Fast forward to now. I sit on my bike and grind my teeth. The pain is so excruciating sometimes I cry, or just give up. It’s been three years. I have seen more doctors, PTs, ATs, chiropractors, orthopedists, and masseuses than I can count, and am no closer to resolve.

I can sit and spin for hours without much problem, but as soon as I put in effort, I’m in a dark hole of pain, so different from what I experienced before. I can go on to tell you how this has affected my training and racing, but I think it is obvious that I haven’t seen improvement, on my bike or run. What isn’t as obvious is how it’s affected my mental state.

It’s worn on me. I look back 3 years to the day on my training peaks account and see the same comments of pain. For some reason my love always outweighed my frustrations, and I’d keep training. I’d focus on what I could do-pedal for a long time and not go hard. The only way I have found compensates for that happy exhaustion I used to feel, is pretty places. When my leg starts acting up, I can look around and say, “You know, I’m okay. This is beautiful and I’m okay.”

I’ve waited three years for stars to align. On Friday, I was offered the opportunity to fly out to Idaho and work with a clinic at the University. Yes, I’ve been told I could be fixed before, but this time I was told they wouldn’t let me come out for nothing.

On Monday morning I’m flying out with a bike box, suitcase, crutches, and boot. I’m staying at a random hotel and will be working with clinicians for 5 days. I’m putting a lot of faith into these strangers’ hands, and can only hope for the best.

My love for this sport has never waivered. It’s morphed into frustration, yes, but the fire is still there. More than anything I want to be able to do what I love, whether it’s in the prettiest of places, or a dark basement.

I’m going to try and keep this updated over the next few days and weeks with what I’ve learned and where I’m going from here, so check back!

 Happy Training!

Moose

Misconceptions

Mickey the Moose on my plane!

My final days on traincation were fabulous, and, as always, it was incredibly hard to leave. Santa Barbara is my paradise, simply put.

This is NOT easy!

Coming back to Colorado Springs was an adjustment. Not just the altitude (though I’d like to write on that at some point), but life in general. Things are different here. Sometimes it feels like I’m coming home, and sometimes it doesn’t. Proof I’m still finding my footing. It was great to go back to work and see my kids. It’s pretty special that my day gets better by going to work. My first day back I told a swimmer to keep her head down in breaststroke. “But I just want to smile at you!” she told me. Precious. I was also fortunate to spend a weekend in the mountains where I tried snowshoeing for the first time. I must say I don’t recommend going from 0 ft on Wednesday, to 8000 ft on Friday unless you want your watts to match your heart rate, but I don’t regret it.

A few more weeks and weekends have passed. More training, more work, more life decisions like choosing to go back to school and become a licensed clinical professional counselor (LCPC).

Life is weird like that.

It sneaks up on you.

I traded mountains for this?

Today wasn’t a great day. It started last night when I bit the bullet and decided to go back to having bangs. Hang with me here. This is a REAL commitment for a female athlete. They’re a pain in the butt for training, but are fun and I’ve always liked them. Well, as it turns out, in the year and a half since I’ve grown my hair out, I’ve developed a cowlick. I now have fringe that sticks straight out from my forehead. Splendid! My house key later slid between my car seat and center console, burying itself under the tracks on which your seat slides and is forever gone. This left me digging through 7 inches of snow to squeeze through the doggie door in order to get back into my house. Joy! Now my sister is flying in to Denver to spend a lovely weekend visiting and it’s dumping snow. Since my car didn’t make it up the street, there was no chance I’d make it to Denver to pick her up, so I booked her a shuttle back to the Springs. Fantastic! I don’t have snow tires, I can’t find my inhaler, I lost my watch and my paddles, and I had a crappy swim. AWESOME!

So when it was 20 degrees and there was 7 inches of snow on the ground, I was not excited to go for a run. I considered bailing. I was tired and hangry. But I had gotten Yak Tracks for Christmas and was almost looking forward to trying them out. The first step is always the hardest, right? I grabbed my cell phone and started a timer (no watch, remember?), and just went. My face turned into an icicle of sweat and snot, frozen in a disconcerting expression. Soon I relaxed. The snow was so fun, like running on clouds. My face thawed and twisted into something resembling a smile. I passed an older gentleman and commented on his shoes (racing flats, no socks, 7 inches of snow!!). We struck up conversation, I turned down the pace, and we ran together, both of us further than we’d planned.

We talked about sport. The joys of it. The way it can be so healing. The way it can tame demons, or help you run from them; but if you run, how they always catch you. We talked about past experiences, how far we’ve “made it” in sport. And we talked about the selfish nature of it all. To this I told him it was a common misconception, this belief that we must be so selfish to be our best. Yes, the successful ones are generally Type A, but we tend to forget what it’s all about. I told him there was too much joy in what I’m doing to do it alone. I was happy to slow my pace and talk about life. We’re made to be in community and connect with others, and I love the way sport allows us to do just that. He shared with me how he wished he had learned his lesson sooner. He found so much more joy in running now, for fun, than he ever did as a nationally ranked marathoner. His smile boogered face said it all. We parted ways, shaking mittened hands, and I ran off in such better spirits. How easy to have run on by him. How thankful I am I didn’t.

I turned off to another trail in the direction of my car, and caught up with some sledders/snowboarders. “Want to make a snow angel with us?!” Yes I sure did! The snow over my head and down my back was worth it. “Cool! Enjoy your run!”

Couldn’t have been better.

 

Happy Training!

Moose

Traincation Pt 1

For a myriad of reasons, I called my mom and told her I wouldn’t be home for Christmas. “Home” is a little different for me. I remember a few years ago when I told my mom that Chicago wasn’t “home” anymore. She cried. Harsh words, but they weren’t meant to be hurtful. When you leave home at 16, by the time you’re 24, it’s just the place your parents live. I don’t have many friends there, things are refurbished and reconstructed, torn down and rebuilt. It will never be the same. So for the first time I chose not to go back to my parents house for the holidays. With a wrench thrown in my life plan, I found myself wanting to retreat to a safe place that wasn’t the arctic tundra.

And I booked a flight to Santa Barbara for a few days.

And then I saw this.

Paradise

And I extended my stay.

And I invited a friend, John O’Neill, to come play, too.

And I’m so glad I did!

Phil doing what Phil does best!

As soon as I landed in Santa Barbara, my favorite person, Tina, took me down to see Phil at Hypercat Racing (I wouldn’t trust any one else with my fit!). With my new steed in tow, I was ready to feel comfy and ride the crap out of those mountains (which I’ve done lots of!)! After catching up, we discussed proper position, pedal stroke and efficiency, then christened the steed Sully, and called it a night.

The days have since flown by! It has been such a blessing to be here and catch up with friends, ride in the mountains, run on the beach, and swim next to the ocean. I have lots of favorite things here and I love to share them with others. It lights me up. I remember someone explaining this to me, comparing it to a father and his son. The father loves the son and wants to show him all these great things that bring him joy. So he takes him out to play catch in the backyard and teaches him all about baseball. He wants to share this great and special joy he feels with others that he cares about.

Swimmin’! I’m the far right, doing aqua aerobics ;)

I think maybe that has been missing in my life for a little while. It was nice to have it back.

I’ll be here one more week. I’m stuffing in as much of my favorite things as I can. Like riding out to my favorite grocery store for a gluten free vegan scone, that just happens to be 85 miles away. Typical.

I’m so thankful to be able to do this; it’s hard to put it into words. Last night as I laid in bed, I couldn’t help but think with the passing of each year, the list of things I am grateful for increases tenfold. That is pretty neat.

Happy New Year! Happy Training!

Moose

‘Tis the Season!

I love Christmas. It’s my second favorite holiday to my Birthday. Which, no matter how much you want to debate, is a holiday. 

I know what you’re thinking. It sounds selfish, right? Yep! But there’s more to it, I promise.

One of my favorite questions to ask people is about “love languages.” It sparks great conversation! Based on the book by Gary Chapman, there are 5 love languages. Our love language is not only how we communicate with others and show we care for them, but also how we want to be shown love. This makes sense-you give others what you hope to get in return. The 5 love languages are: touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. 

Touch is pretty self-explanatory. Interestingly, I have only met one guy who didn’t say his love language was touch. Words of affirmation go something like “I’m so proud of you!” “You’re such a hard worker!” “You look great today!” Quality time (QT) is also pretty self-explanatory. As is gifts. And acts of service means going out of your way to help another person (I love this one. It seems so selfless to me.). 

So think about it. What is your love language? You can only choose one. What is your friend’s love language? Your spouse?

Once I found out my mom was words of affirmation, our relationship was completely different. I went from battling with her, feeling unloved and speaking awful things to her heart, to understanding. I was able to use words and tell her what an amazing mother and friend she is to me. Her cooking is delicious, she has the most amazing legs (thanks for those!), and is so loving. It may not work for me, but it works for her and she deserves to hear it.

Possibly my least favorite wrapping paper of all time.

Now can you guess why I love my Birthday and Christmas? That’s right, my love language is gifts. It kinda sucks. I feel very material most of the time. But I absolutely love to give people things they wish for, things that are personal and show I am listening. You can tell me nice things, hug me, hang out, or help me with my car, which is all well and good and I am thankful for that, but when the UPS man comes to my front door with a package for me (bonus if it’s edible!), I light up like a kid on Christmas morning! Wait…

It may be the season for gifts (YESSS!!!) but it’s also a season when people really show their love for each other. So I encourage you to think about your love language. Try to decide what your friend’s is, and then ask them to see if you’re right. Then do something about it. Make an effort to show them you care, even if it’s awkward for you. They may really need it. And they sure as heck deserve it.

Merry Moosemas and Happy Training!!

Seasons

So excited about life.

It seems to me that I post on this topic a lot; the idea of seasons. I lived in Santa Barbara for 4 years and our seasons ranged from june-gloomy (60-75 with dense fog in the morning) to sunshine (70-80). That’s right, a range of about 20 degrees throughout the year. Colorado is…different. The “real feel” was -34 on Friday. So that was awesome. 

I think I’ve been writing about this because there has been so much change and uprooting in my life as of late. It is unreal the metaphors of life and sport. I’ll revisit one of my favorite trails, and now, covered in snow and impacted by the seasons, it is completely new and different. Not better or worse, just different. And you get to learn it all over again. People change, life changes, and you can either be pissed things aren’t the same, or you can get excited about the new. That trail hit 50 degrees and you bet I frolicked through the snow in my sports bra and shorts, which very well may be my new favorite thing!

Before the fall

More than the weather has changed in my life. I took a break from training after the Fearless Pro Super Sprint in San Diego (where I crashed and broke some ribs). For 17 days I did relatively nothing. Housemates would leave for work and come home and I was still perched over the puzzle in the living room, or playing solitaire (which I lost multiple times a day for 17 days straight, before realizing I was missing the queen of diamonds), or watching LOST from season 1. Getting back into things was rough. I think most athletes, and especially females, can understand. Your body changes pretty quick. I remember in high school, my assistant swim coach said “fitness is hard to gain, but easy to loose!” Wise words! But the time off allowed me to do some really great reflecting.

In the midst of all this, a huge relationship in my life ended. As an endurance athlete, dating someone outside sport can be really difficult. There are countless memes and blog posts about it. We eat a lot, smell, go to bed early, and spend a majority of our day on the roads and trails, in the pool, and at the gym. This change has forced me to take one day at a time, but I’m realizing it’s not necessarily as bad as it sounds. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more confident or happy with certain parts of my life as I do in this moment. What is the most fabulous, is training. It is one of the best gifts God has given me; an escape of endorphins and joy. It can be a chance to get out of my head, or a chance to put all my thoughts back into place and reflect. It is a chance to see the metaphors of the trail ahead of me and the changing of the seasons. 

But it’s time to jump back on the horse! Relationships are hard, but dating is weird, and blind dates are scary! My family’s advice was to wear snowpants and have an “out”. My housemate offered me her pepper spray. I was told no yoga pants, no parka, and that I had to wear a real bra (I can hardly believe I own any). I didn’t like any of these things! But I did what I was told, put on a huge smile, and remembered I like most people.

Now boys, here’s some advice if you go on a date with a triathlete, or me. Please don’t tell me how little body fat I have, or do the “you must eat really healthy all the time” thing. Because it’s going to get weird when I tell you how I’ve adopted this habit of eating dessert after breakfast. It’s awesome. 4 cookies as I write this. I also really don’t care to hear about the no-carb diet you went on. You ate 100g of cabs every day for a month and lost 8 pounds? I eat 100g of carbs every hour that I train. This may also explain your “hanger” as we get lost trying to find our way to dinner. Be smart. Have a snack.

Really?

So you see, there are going to be flops, like my baking. And I’m going to get kicked off that damn horse more than I stay on it. But come snow, -34 degree temps, or bad dates, I’m going to enjoy the dang ride!

Happy Training,

Moose

 

Lady Luck

Note: I wrote this blog at the airport leaving Vegas. It’s pretty raw on how I felt following the race. I decided not to change it, but want to add in a few tidbits I have learned since. They’ll be in bold.

Through the unfailing love of the Most High, he will not be shaken

I chose this verse before I started the Super Sprint Tri Grand Prix, scrolling through my Bible app as I warmed up on the bike. No matter what, the word always blankets me in calm. It was just what I needed as I pumped my legs on the trainer, surrounded by other pros doing their pre-race things, huddled under the provided tents. It was 90 and starting to heat up in Vegas.

Paris?

From the beginning of the trip, Lady Luck was not on my side. The house dog ate my running shoes, my car broke down on the way to the airport, I called 9-1-1 for the first time, my house’s main water line broke, I accidentally booked tickets to California for a week too early which I only realized after receiving a “would you like to check into your flight tomorrow?” email (no.), and I spilled hot coffee all over a business man who had to call his work and apologize that he’d be late until he “figured out his situation”. Oy.

Fluffy snuggle nugget

I was obviously still really excited to race. Being at sea level is great and it felt good to move my body and get my heart pumping. My mom was with me, as well as her little pup, and I was just ready to play.

It was my first “big race” all season. Instead of being all “pro” like I tried last year, I decided to be a lot more me. I’m not a serious person. I’d rather stick my tongue out than have a game face. I also like to make friends, so I figured I’d try and do some of that, too.

Chillin in the pool

At the pre-race meeting, I saw some athletes I met before and just smiled and tried to be genuinely me-as opposed to shutting up and sitting alone in the corner. It felt good. They announced that 8 girls had dropped out, so there’d only be one finals heat (as opposed to 2). Prelims would be 6 and 6, and as long as you didn’t lose your heat, you’d make it back to race under the lights! Exciting and daunting. No one likes to DFL. Again I reminded myself that I’m ready to have fun and just do my thing.

Maybe my verse was put there to remind me to hold my ground and have fun, no matter what. Warm ups felt pretty good. Some last minute changes had me moved into a different swim lane (we were to swim in a blow-up pool in the middle of the parking lot). The consequences of this didn’t hit me until later. The pool had no lines on the bottom and was all white, so under the Vegas sun they disappeared into the bottom, making the pool look like it went on forever-it’s similar to swimming laps in a hotel pool. They provided a few mats for the bottom, and I had moved mine in my original lane to where I imagined the T would be in a regular pool, so I’d know when to flip. This idea went out the window when I moved lanes. I missed almost every flip turn, and swam as if the race was a 1000 instead of a 300. When I got to my bike, I took about 2 seconds too long to clip my helmet, and that was virtually the end of the race for me. Off went the girls who later placed 2-4, and it wasn’t long until I was passed by the 6th place girl. Rats.

Sweet set-up

Even though I stayed positive through the race, and smiled, it seemed so surreal. I lost a race on the swim. That’s a first.

I stayed and cheered for the other athletes, which I may love more than racing. When the day was over, there was a chance I’d have a “wild-card” spot if someone dropped out. Again, no luck, but I am glad. Gwen, who considered not racing, went on to win the race and really deserved it. I grabbed my bike and…oh hey flat tire…rolled on my rim back to the car, head hung.

I can’t pretend it doesn’t stink; that I don’t question all the hard work I put in, just to see competitors I once beat, now schooling me in races. If it wasn’t for the local sprints I’ve done this summer around Denver (I went undefeated in the Underground Race Series), I think I’d be questioning myself even more. You see, I list these things that went wrong in the race-mistakes I’ve made-but maybe it’s not the stupid mistakes that put me out of contention. Maybe I’m just not good enough. I took this summer off of the “big” races, and focused on life changes and getting settled into my new home in the Springs. It was encouraging to race (and win) some events again after last season where I was constantly being rocked by the big names. After another summer of training hard, I figured I would improve. I know I shouldn’t draw conclusions from this one race. I know the only way to get better is to keep stepping up and racing the “big dogs”. It forces me to evolve, grow, and learn every time I step out of my comfort zone. But it hurts my heart, too. I never thought that at 24 I’d be experiencing “growing pains”. I was later provided the overall times from our heats. Even though I placed last, my split was :30 seconds faster than the girl who won the first heat (there was a debate whether or not my heat completed all 7 bike laps, but the race official later confirmed that we had). This means we had a competitive heat. I also happened upon the girl’s blog who caught me on the bike and was happy to hear I “made her work for it”. So maybe my race wasn’t as awful as I originally thought.

Women’s Finals Heat!

I did my best to enjoy the rest of my time in Vegas. It was incredible to watch the finals heats that night. Those guys and girls absolutely ripped it! Since I love cheering, I was all over it :) Then my mom and I went to see the Cirque du Soleil “O” show at the Bellagio. I think our tired eyes made the show even better. (long) Blink (for 4 seconds) and BAM! a piano in the middle of the pool on stage. Magical! After the show we went straight to bed.

Playing cards in Vegas!

A quick visit to Interbike was in order the next morning before heading home. Talk about overwhelming. This time our eyes weren’t playing tricks on us. It was simply bikes on bikes on bikes on bikes! I loved it, but was nonetheless wishing I could’ve at least had some exciting results to share from the night before. 

 

Sometimes I write posts with a purpose, an idea in mind of what I want to say, or at least what I want the reader to take away. Sometimes I want to tell a story. Sometimes I just start writing and let the words guide me. But right now, I think it’s just a mix of everything. Mostly emotions. A lot of confusion. 

It’s hard to be steadfast and confused at the same time. I’m doing my best to cling to the verse I opened with and let the chips fall where they may. I’m so thankful to have something to cling to. That unfailing love beats lady luck at every roll of the dice.

Until next time,

Moose

Mind Games

In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps. ~Proverbs 16:9

Sometimes I wish I blogged more. Sure it would be nice to look back, reflect on the places I’ve been, but also maybe to bring encouragement to someone else, or to track the journey of my time in this sport. It’s not easy trying to make your way into the pro ranks, trust me. I question myself daily. But then I stumble into Whole Foods after my 4th hour of training (on Wednesdays, when I can buy a whole rotisserie chicken for $6!), sweat and grime covering every inch of me. I see business suits and tailored slacks and just think “Thank you, Jesus!” It’s not for me. He knew it wasn’t, so he didn’t put me there.

Most of the time I really love what I do. I have this silly habit where every day, at some point, I sing a little ditty in my head along with this girl [http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qR3rK0kZFkg], but minus the haircuts thing, because I haven’t done that in 12 months. It’s just a list of things I love. When I’m happy, it keeps the smile on my face. When I’m sad or upset, it reminds me of how blessed I am and how there are so many good things! Anything-that color, your friend, your couch, naps, that smell, the mountains, this run, that river, your favorite song on the radio. It’s so simple. The list itself is one of my favorite things, because I like lists.

Other than a rather large hiccup in the middle of my season, training has been going well. I found my groove, I was working hard, and luckily had a month off work where I could buckle down and focus on recovery, nutrition, and all those other little things that seem to fall by the wayside when short on time. My training partners have been such a blessing and encouragement. It is crazy the difference having teammates and group sessions make. The truth is, when someone as stubborn and bull-headed as me is being chased and doesn’t want to be caught, I dig a lot deeper than if I was alone. So “team” is added to my daily list. 

Now most of my teammates have headed back to school and back to work. Group sessions are few and far between and it seems that with my friends has gone my mojo. I’m approaching the peak of my season. I have a few big races left for the summer and am hitting training hard. My body is exhausted, my list of favorite things is getting shorter, and I am hangry like no other. I think it’s important to get to the point where you’re broken down, so you can build back up stronger. But when you’re “in it”, it’s a tough pill to swallow. I don’t enjoy tear-filled goggles. I also don’t enjoy the thought that you’re at your rawest form and find your true self during this time. Because I like to smile. And I don’t usually want to stab you mercilessly with my butter knife for putting croutons on my salad which I am now unable to eat. That’s not who I am or want to be. But at this point, I can down 3 pre-race pills (basically caffeine pills) with my coffee, and I will still need my naps like a toddler to curb Chernobyl-style meltdowns. I know it’s temporary. I know that in a few weeks I will actually have to unbutton my pants to take them off instead of letting them slide down my race-ready frame. I will get to stay at the bar after K-State watch parties and sing karaoke well into the night with my friends.

I don’t know if other athletes get to this point. Maybe they’re always hunky-dory, excited to jump in the water again, hit the track, test themselves up a climb. Not many write about the mind games. The point where your head says “stop! I feel the heartbeat in your legs and if you take one more step I will make you (and the people you love) feel my wrath!” And I do. And they do. And I’m sorry. I don’t know if they get their weekly training schedule and go “ARE YOU FREAKING KIDDING ME?!” Then have to take one day, one session, one repeat at a time.

I don’t know if other athletes make a countdown to the last race/meet/match of their season, but I do. Not only does it tell me there are margaritas in my future, but it encourages me to approach each day with whatever I have. I want to walk up to that starting line confident I did everything I could to race my best.

I will be racing the next 3 weekends. Two sprint races in the Denver area and then a trip to Vegas for the Super Sprint Tri Grand Prix (http://www.sstrigp.com) which will be a blast! One of my favorite things is praying with my family before my races. It settles my mind and allows me to focus on why I’m there. I am so excited that my mom, dad, and sister will be able to pray with me and watch me at this race. Then at the end of the month I get to fly out to Santa Barbara to see two of my favorite people get married.

Lots of exciting things to look forward to in the 51 days ahead!

We Made It

I apologize for not updating my blog these last few weeks. It is a constant battle for me-wondering if I have anything worthwhile to share, and if I have the time to do it. Which is a rarity on both accounts. But right now I at least have one of those things. Plus I’ve done 2 races now! YIPPEE!

Store stop on a hilly 80-miler with the crew

It has been an awesome past few weeks. I have been back to Santa Barbara and played with old friends, had a little college reunion in Santa Cruz, and have done some very successful training blocks with my awesome new team. I have been truly blessed.

Going back to California was a great way to reconnect with friends, and remember the spunk and pizzazz that certain people can bring out in me. Do you have those friends? The ones who know you so well, who you can go months without talking to, and be right back where you left off the next time you see them? They are forever friends and they are the best. The time I spent in California was overflowing with belly laughs, and of course reminiscing of “the good old days.” One friend in particular is known for making a certain remark, which he made throughout college on various, seemingly random occasions. “California!” he would exclaim, arms open wide. “We made it!” It was weird. But I liked it.

Goleta beach pier

And it got me thinking.

When am I going to feel like I made it?

I’ve raced “pro” for the last year, I’ve had decent results, especially being quite a few years younger than the next woman. I’ve gotten to race in foreign countries. I have great sponsorships with companies who not only I believe in, but they believe in me. Yet I hesitate to say I’ve made it. I’m nowhere near where I would like to be, where I think I could be.  Kristen Sweetland tweeted today that in the main group of riders at the WTC Kitzbuel race, she averaged 288 watts, at 112 pounds (woa). Is that what it takes? Will that be a marker of my success? I am nowhere near that at this point. Could I be? If someone sat me down and told me I wasn’t built for that, that it wouldn’t happen, would I accept it? Stop trying? Act any differently? It’s silly some of the places our minds go. But as someone trying to “make it” as a professional athlete, there’s a lot of crazy silly thoughts and what ifs…

Monroe race venue!

Teammates at the fish market

The Monroe Elite Development Race was my first race of the season, my first race since last August, and my first draft-legal race in over 5 years. It was eye-opening and super fun! Traveling with my team and hanging out with them was such a great experience. Warming up that day I couldn’t help but realize what a different mental state I was in compared to where I would be, and have been in the past, when I travel to races alone. I recognize that that’s part of the lifestyle, but most things are better with good company. You can read my teammates race recap here. I took away quite a few lessons, wishing I had bridged up in the swim, and believed in myself a little more on the run. I still came away with a 3rd place finish, but it put a hunger back in my belly.

My next race was a local one, part of a three-race series put on by Renegade Racing. My Way or the Tri Way is a sweet race where you can choose the race you wish to run. Swim/run/swim? Bike/run/swim? Whatever tickles your fancy! There were lots of options which made it a little hectic but really fun to always have people on the course to chase. They also offer a prize purse to the top elite racers. So my plan was to get a little more racing under my belt and bring in a bit of cash. After finishing 3^rd overall, only to be beat by 2 male pros, I was pretty satisfied. I had a blast racing and am really excited to see my fitness continue to improve. Something tells me I’m at the tip of the iceberg right now, which is an awesome place to be.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When I started this blog, I really didn’t know how I was going to finish it. But like I said, I’m so blessed. I am happy and healthy and getting faster and loving training, my job, my friends, my family. I may have made it to California, but it was what I made of my time there that was the most rewarding. Everyone knows the “it’s not the destination, it’s the journey” quote, but what are you doing with your journey? Are you impacting others in a positive way? Are you encouraging, inspiring, loving? Let’s remember those goals-to empower others; to shine in a way that makes our maker smile upon us.

I will race some local sprints and continue to build confidence in my fitness over the next few months, culminating in some larger races through October. Race schedules are always changing, but ideally I’ll be back in Chicago for the Lifetime race at the end of August, race the Super Sprint Triathlon Grand Prix on September 19^th, and am considering another draft-legal race in San Juan in October. Again, these are all up in the air, but fingers crossed I will be even more ready to rock with the big guns again!

Thanks for reading and happy training!

Moose